i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
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Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
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So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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