i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Enjoy the penises
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
