I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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