so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
