On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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