I hope mine doesn't look like that
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
