who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
how does that bad decision feel?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
