I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
