I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
