Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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