At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
