I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
farters have to be the big spoon...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
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