i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
