I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
