My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
