Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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