whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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