we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
