Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
