Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
