So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
