Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
