captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
