I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
