I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She's the barista slut.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
