Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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