My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
