I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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