youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
