I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Sex in the backyard? Check.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
