...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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