I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
