so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I wear drunk well.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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