I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
