today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I have surprise drugs for everyone
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
