I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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