Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
