I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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