More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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