I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
