I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
