I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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