Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The uberlube is also flammable
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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