I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
