they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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