Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
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i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
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He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.