sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner