Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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