Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
