I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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