i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I touched a dick in church today
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
