Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
