I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
