Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
