I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
