Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
