I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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