3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
